there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
