I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
