I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
