my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
