Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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