my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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