my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
