dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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