I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
