Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He felt like a one man threesome
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
