Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
