Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
