i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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