Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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