Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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