If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
