I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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