i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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