All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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