i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All the doctor said was why
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
