Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
