I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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