I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
