omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize