I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
