If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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