I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
