I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
