pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
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She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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