fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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