Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
