make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
