I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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