I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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