last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
