I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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