Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
