I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
