I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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