don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Houston, we have a blender
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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