It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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