I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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