Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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