Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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