i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
