Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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