can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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