i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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