so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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