she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
