I have demons in me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
