i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
