How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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