I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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