She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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