420 ftw
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
