U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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