You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
