my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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