Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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