She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
