Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Holy sore nipples Batman
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The power of my boobs compel you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
