i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
